Don't Touch Me: The Story of the Lamp
by Scott Summers
Summary: The story of Aladdin (well, not all of it).. from another perspective. Please r/r.


I still remember how it felt when I was finished. Nice and cool.. and very relaxed.  
The heat caused by my formation was unbearable. Obviously, I got through it - but that  
was just the tip of the iceberg. Within a day, I was sold. Talk about annoying.. I had just  
begun becoming friends with a nice oil tin. She was incredible, and who knows where  
that would've led.  
  
But anyway - I was sold. To this really creepy little guy with a turban that was  
obviously wrapped (read: way) too tight. To make a long story short.. or shorter.. he was  
a magician. Naturally, he placed a spell on a servant of his who had displeased him.  
Now, you'd think that wouldn't really affect me -- but naturally, yeah. It did.  
  
I really don't like talking about the specifics of how it happened.. but there's what  
happened. He placed the servant - now a genie - inside of me. Then he put a spell on me!  
  
Pff. As if I did anything.  
  
"The curse is this," he began, a crisp tone in his voice. "You," although he wasn't  
talking to me, "will have the cosmic power to grant any three wishes to whosoever rubs  
your prison three times."   
  
Whatever. What a jerk. Now, I'm not a certified, golden lamp.. but I'm certainly  
not a prison. And this blue guy is making me feel dirty. And now he's been inside of me -  
remodeling my insides into whatever he sees fit - for TEN THOUSAND YEARS.   
  
He even has the nerve to call me an itty-bitty living space. Sorry, Buddy! I didn't  
WANT you inside of me! I mean, I'm not piece of Tupperware.. but I'm not a box you  
give to your fiancee, either! Geez. The nerve of some genies.  
  
Anyway. We're stuck in the Cave of Wonders. Yeah.. it's a big cat made out of  
sand. I hate cats. Especially when they're big, can be turned into glass at a certain  
temperature, and they TALK. It wasn't so bad (being in here, I mean) at first. There was  
that magic carpet to goof around with, after all. All right -- I'm just trying to make myself  
feel better. The carpet doesn't talk, and it doesn't even acknowledge that I'm anything  
more than an inanimate object withholding his friend for all of eternity.   
  
Who needs 'em, anyway. I can make other friends, like that --   
  
"Wow," I hear -- and I can't believe it. Someone picks me up! The fashion's  
changed a bit since I've seen someone, too. I don't recommend his style to anyone  
reading this. I mean.. who wears nothing more than a little hat, a vest, and baggy pants  
with a patch? Get a life, pal.   
  
As I'm inspecting him, he puts me inside of his vest. Ever heard of NOT  
SUFFOCATING ME? Geez! You waltz into the cave, since you're obviously the  
"diamond in the rough", and you think you can just put me wherever you want. Then I  
hear him scream at someone named Abu.. and find out why.  
  
Surprise! I can't have a dull moment! (All right. I've been sitting in a cave for ten  
thousand years -- obviously that's an exaggeration). The cave begins to melt.. and why?  
This Abu -- a monkey, as it turns out -- has touched something that isn't me! Way to go.  
  
Y'know, cats are stupid - but I'm siding with it on this one. The cave clearly states, every single time, to "touch nothing but the lamp." (That's me!) Now he's never going to see the light of day again. All because of a monkey. Heh.. I bet he's kicking himself now.   
  
I thought I was gonna get out of here, too. Bummer. I wish this kid would slow  
down, though. Bein' in his vest while he's jumpin' around from step to step, avoiding  
lava, isn't a very easy ride. Sheesh. And now he's on the carpet! Sure, 'tassle, as soon as a HUMAN gets down here, you're willing to hang out.   
  
Pretty soon, this kid -- who's dangling from the side of a cliff ('cause the cave's  
falling apart) hands me over to this old guy. Looks like I do get to get out of here! Oh,  
crap.. that stupid monkey's swirling around him now -- and he just grabbed me! Now  
we're falling. GREAT.  
  
I wake up a little bit later.. and the kid that originally grabbed me is complaining  
about the predicament he's in. Maybe your monkey should've stayed outside, then. Geez.   
  
"What's this..? It looks like something's written here," he says. Looks like this is  
it! A little room to breathe for me! I don't like the way this kid's touching me, though..  
but it's the only way to get this blasted genie out of my internal regions.   
  
After three rubs.. (did I mention I HATE this curse?) .. the genie is out and about.  
And, man, does it feel great!  
  
"Ten thousand years'll give ya SUCH a crick in the NECK!" he bellows, swirling  
around.   
  
As if HE has any room to complain.  
  
I have a feeling this is going to be one interesting week.. 


End file.
